Angela Landsbury in "Positive Moves". Image via YouTube.
Let’s see. So far in our survey of odd Broadway-themed workouts we’ve discovered that: Shirley Jones clenches when she drives, Bonnie Franklin does it one day at a timestep and this guy likes to storm the Les Miz barricade to build his guns. Well, now we can add the delightful knowledge that Angela Lansbury keeps in shape by touching herself.
Yeah, you read that right. It would seem that Angela Lansbury, one of the greatest and most beloved musical theater actresses of all time, released an exercise video in the 80’s with a decidedly sensual spin. If reading that sentence alone has you covering your eyes for fear of catching even a glimpse of her Bedknobs and Broomsticks, I’d suggest you move along and pretend this never happened.
For those who bravely wish to be a Lansbury completist, may I suggest you watch the following excerpts from Positive Moves (goodness, even the title sounds like a Cinemax film starring Shannon Tweed as a public defender by day, stripper by night). I’ve provided a little time code commentary to highlight “the good parts”. You’ve been warned…
0:12 She’s already in a towel and rubbing herself down with aloe. This girl doesn’t kid around. (Take note: it’s not a ma-SSAGE; it’s a MA-ssage.)
1:40 She said breast stroke. Hee.
2:20 I feel like a cat on a hot shag carpet.
2:27 All the way down to where?? (And is it my imagination or does the camera…linger?)
3:15 Who knew a peach terry onesie could be so alluring?
4:15 Didn’t the maenads on True Blood dance like this before a human sacrifice?
5:00 Yes I would, in fact, like a piece of chocolate cake.
5:05 Kinky role play time: the chauffeur and the heiress.
5:20 One of the greatest feelings of release, huh? (Nice basket. Lord, I can’t stop now.)
6:40 Oh God! She’s taking a bath and talking about female sexuality. Seriously. I thought I was reading into this whole video but…she’s going there.
Ah well, as Auntie Mame, one of Lansbury’s signature characters, would say, “Blow the bugle, it’s today!”
